Sterilized at 27

When I was younger, I always thought of motherhood in the abstract. There would only be one baby, for I surely did not want to manage more than that. I was curious to see in which funny ways my genetics would mix with another person’s. Would this kid have my temperament? My blue eyes?  Also, I knew my parents would want a grandchild, and I knew that society would expect me to do what women have done since the dawn of human existence. I would raise this child, make sure its basic needs were met, then send it off to college at the age of 18 and be done with my parental responsibilities forever.

I was not yet 18 before I realized that life didn’t work like that. At this time, I also became fully aware that I had a choice. I did not owe it to anyone to become a mother against my will. It would be a disservice to any potential child to bring it into this world when my motivations were clearly lacking. At this point, I made the decision that I would not have children. This was done with little fanfare at the time; I just came to this conclusion and went about my life.

I was 20 the first time I asked to be permanently sterilized. I knew my chances of getting someone to say yes were nil, but I figured I would start putting it out into the universe then. I did not want to spend the rest of my fertile years on hormonal birth control and constantly panicking that one small misstep could end in pregnancy.

I asked many doctors over the following 7 years and got many variations of no until September of 2015. I made the appointment and went it with my typical skepticism. My doctor walked in the room, and I braced myself. I gave my perfected, memorized spiel and then waited for yet another no. Imagine my shock when he told me that my reasoning was sound and that he felt that it was perfectly acceptable to help a woman like me in my quest for permanent birth control.

We immediately began discussing options. I could get Essure, a coil that induces fibrosis and blocks the fallopian tubes. I immediately discounted this, as I have heard of way too many serious complications resulting from the surgery. I could also go for a standard tubal ligation, a procedure that would involve clamping the fallopian tubes, but that did not seem to have the permanency that I was looking for. He then offered a new-to-me option – a laparoscopic bilateral salpingectomy, which is the removal of the fallopian tubes. This would bring my chances of being unable to conceive naturally to very-nearly 100%. Studies have also shown that there may be a correlation between this procedure and reducing the risk of ovarian cancer, since it is believed that many forms of the cancer originate in the fallopian tubes. My mind was made up pretty quickly; I wanted the salpingectomy. We discussed pre-op appointments and counseling, set a surgery date, and officially got the ball rolling.

This is my journey through the process of getting sterilized as a childless, single, 27-year-old woman. It will not be completely comprehensive, but in an effort to be an open book and be honest about the procedure I will do my best to cover as much as possible.

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It’s Been Twenty Years Already?!

Many things in my life tend to gather dust. Despite telling myself that I will use kitchen gadget or piece of exercise equipment, it inevitably ends up abandoned in some corner of my apartment.

My life has been weird for the past year. I uprooted myself and moved to a new area for a job opportunity in January, but then real life walloped me right in the face. I suffered some major personal losses, as well as a nearly debilitating bout of severe anemia that has hospitalized me twice since March – both times just barely avoiding a blood transfusion. I admit it; I am tired. I am bone-weary. I made some really good decisions and some really bad decisions in 2015 (although, interestingly, the best decision would not have been possible without the worst decision), and I am trying to maintain a degree of optimism that 2016 won’t hit me as hard.

Even though the illness and other issues have knocked me almost down and out, I still have good moments. During those moments, I tend to go through my apartment and find some dusty thing, wipe it off, and put it back to use. One time it was a copy of Slaughterhouse-Five that I haven’t read in years. I also dusted off a video game and took it for another spin. I even cleaned off my hand mixer and made a home-cooked meal for the first time in ages. Even though it has come dangerously close to a lost cause, I am now going to dust off this blog and see what I can make of it.


It’s Been Twenty Years Already?!

I might be a baby of the eighties, but I am a child of the nineties. I had just turned two when we went into 1990. That decade was full of pop culture that still holds a special place in my heart – especially the music. All of it – the grunge, the hip-hop, the nu-metal, the Jazzercise dance music, the silly pop.

Skipping forward a few years, I got a LiveJournal in mid-2002. It was back when you had to have a code to join, and I had been trying for ages to snag one. My LiveJournal was full of exactly what you would expect from a melodramatic 14 year old in the transition from middle school to high school – whining about my parents, angsting over friend fights, and frequently typing out, “MUSIC = LIFE!”. I have locked it down so the general public cannot stumble upon it and relive my embarrassing teen years, but I kept it up there to occasionally revisit and reflect on how much time has passed. I cannot believe it has been nearly 14 years since I started that silly little online journal.

Thinking about that got me further down the “It’s been how long??” rabbit hole. This is my 10-year high school reunion year. How have I been out of high school for 10 years? How was 2006 a whole decade ago? I am still thinking the nineties were 10 years ago!

All of this is to say that 1996 was 20 freaking years ago. The albums that came out in 1996 are just a year shy of being able to drink. If these albums were human, they might be in college, or married, or still living at home smoking cigarettes and sneaking their parents’ booze until they are old enough to buy their own.

So, join me as I marvel at the fact that these albums will be turning 20 at some point this year. All information and photos were gathered from Wikipedia (so while I hope the release date information is accurate, it may be off a bit), and all music videos are from YouTube. I chose to focus on the radio singles since that is how I was introduced to all of these albums, but there are plenty of good songs that were not released as singles. Despite my parents’ best effort, I went out of my way to listen to music with those Parental Advisory stickers, so be aware that some of these songs posted have some language.  Enjoy feeling old!

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The Culture of Shame

All of my good intentions for keeping this blog running on a regular basis seem to have failed. My life suddenly exploded with a new job, a move, and personal hardships. It has been a wild eight months – some good and some bad. That is all a post for a different time, though. I have finally been brought back to my blog because of a phenomenon that I find incredibly disturbing.


Over the past few years, I have seen several posts on Facebook that involve public shaming. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I am sure I have even partaken in this to some degree. You see someone who looks a certain way or is doing something out of the norm, you snap a picture on your phone, and you upload it to Facebook.

Some of them are posted with the intent of being humorous, such as People of Walmart (for those who are unaware, People of Walmart is a website where users can submit photos of people they come across shopping at Walmart who they find funny or ridiculous). The entire premise of the site made me slightly uncomfortable. While some of the people in the photos did seem absurd to me, I also know that I do not always make a concerted effort to look presentable if I am running to Walmart for a few items.

There was also the personal trainer who posted photos of an overweight woman at a baseball game. He commented on what the woman was eating and insisted that her lifestyle was not okay and could impede other peoples’ enjoyment of the event. I found that one downright disturbing as a woman who has struggled with weight issues nearly my entire life. I shudder to think of any of the times someone could have taken a photo of me to complain about me having the audacity to be fat in a public place.


The most upsetting instance of public shaming I have seen is parents shaming their children. Videos pop up on Facebook that show a man shooting his daughter’s laptop with a .45 caliber gun after reading a post from her complaining about the chores she has to do. Many of the comments commended the man for showing his daughter that her selfish behavior would not be tolerated. There are also several photos floating around of young men who were given haircuts to look like they were balding because, and I quote, “So u wana act grown…well now u look grown too” (sic).

These stories always made me uncomfortable, but a recent story has completely turned my stomach and broke my heart. A young teen was filmed by her dad after he hacked off most of her hair. There are also (unconfirmed) rumors that her father then went to the school and had the principal pull his daughter out of the running for student council in front of classmates because of her behavior. That afternoon, the girl jumped off of a bridge to her death. While there were probably many factors leading to this suicide, it is not illogical to believe that this public shaming was a catalyst for this tragedy.

Being a preteen and a teenager is hard. Puberty kicks your butt, and you are dealing with all new emotions that make you feel like you’ve been dropkicked out of orbit. These feelings almost universally lead to acting out and pushing boundaries. Teens will make highly overdramatic statements. Here is an actual quote from an online journal I kept as a teenager:

I could punch my parents right now. It is SATURDAY. Jesus. Mom actually came in and woke me up at freaking 9 o clock, and the second I got downstairs Dad starts harping on about all the crap I have to do. Shut up shut up!!! It is the weekend. I don’t have to do shit for you.

And that was just the beginning. I was furious that my parents expected me to take out the trash, vacuum, and mow the lawn before I went to the mall (all chores that I surely had the entire week to do and had continually put off). Looking back, all I can do is roll my eyes. I was young, selfish, and lazy. My parents were teaching me responsibility, but I just wanted to complain about how awful they were and how they didn’t understand and how terrible my life was.


As sly as I thought I was, I got caught plenty of times and was punished in a manner befitting the crime. Usually, I would get computer privileges revoked for doing stupid things online. It annoyed me and ticked me off, but it did not humiliate me. I can only imagine how I would have reacted if my parents put out a video or post on the Facebook-equivalent (possibly LiveJournal since my teenage years were before Facebook) about me. It would not have been pretty.

There seems to be this mentality of “Don’t dish it if you can’t take it” when it comes to teenagers, but there are so many factors in play. According to scientists, “It has emerged that the emotional region of the brain develops to maturity ahead of the part of the brain that controls rational thought. In other words, teenagers have well-developed emotions and feelings but have still not acquired the ability to think things through.” As the adult parent of a teenager, you need to use your fully developed rationality to see the long-lasting, damaging effects that public shaming can have on preteens and teens.

And, back to the original point, it has an effect on us all. Even those of us with supposedly fully developed brains can still be deeply wounded by public shaming. Nobody wants to be made fun of, and the internet has enabled this shaming on a global level. The next time (because, sadly, it will continue to happen) you see a morbidly obese person unknowingly photographed and posted online or a parent recording themselves punishing their teenager, reflect on the damage and negativity it brings to people. Don’t enable or encourage it. Focus on making social media a positive presence and not a tool for humiliation. Plenty of people deserve to be called out on their behavior, but public shaming and everything that comes with it is a punishment that seems overly harsh for the crimes of being fat, odd, or a rebellious teenager. Let’s leaving the online shaming for funny pictures of animals who have misbehaved.

I will end this with one of the best Ted Talks I have ever seen. It is Monica Lewinsky talking on, “The Price of Shame.” I highly recommend it!

I’m back!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Wow, so it has been nearly one year since I updated my blog. My deepest apologies! Life got crazier and crazier, then less crazy, but my mind was constantly elsewhere.

I am back, and I want to bring this blog back to life. I have obtained my Master’s Degree in Library and Information Science since my last post, and I am working towards becoming a full-fledged librarian. I am also trying to tap into my creativity and turn some ideas into something that I would eventually feel comfortable sharing with the world.

I am now on Bloglovin’ (see the button at the top of this post, and I will try to add one to the sidebar), so feel free to follow me there!

I plan to return very soon, so be on the lookout!

Reading Woes and BzzAgent Kroger Skillet Meals

Well, all of my good intentions with regards to reading have been stomped to death by grad school. Any time I have a spare second to read, I find myself uninterested in looking at more words on pages and end up turning on Netflix and watching Doctor Who.

I did read most of my October books, but I haven’t read many for November. I read Veronica Roth’s Allegiant (liked it better than I thought I would) and Malala Yousafzai’s I Am Malala (a very tough but inspiring read). I am currently trying to finish up big school projects for the semester, so it may be a while before I return to fun reading. I am (fingers crossed!) due to graduate in May, and I look forward to being able to fully and properly attack my “To Read” pile.

In the meantime, I need to take a moment to mention how much I love BzzAgent. I have been a member for over 7 years (which really surprised me when I just went to look. It’s been a fun 7 years, BzzAgent!).

I have received loads of products to try – everything from chocolate to wine to gel shoe inserts. In particular, I get to join a lot of campaigns for Kroger store brand food, including their Private Selections brand. Through BzzAgent I have been able to try ground beef, syrup, bread crumbs, pies, cakes, cheese, pizza, jams, and much more!

How does it work? I take surveys on the BzzAgent website, and they invite me to join campaigns. They send me products to try, coupons to redeem for full-sized products, or a combination of both. I give my honest opinion on the products and get points to spend at MyPoints.

My current campaign is for Kroger Skillet Meals.



I received coupons for a free Kroger Skillet Meal, Kroger Salad Kit, and Kroger Garlic Bread. There were a lot of different skillet meals to choose from. I am never good with making a decision, so I basically got to the point where I closed my eyes and grabbed one! I ended up with garlic bread, a Caesar Salad Kit, and Sesame Chicken with Brown Rice Skillet Meal.

I am holding off on making the garlic bread since it is huge and I prepared the skillet meal just for me. The Caesar salad was lovely. I am a weirdo who does not use salad dressing at all, but I enjoyed the simplicity of a salad with just lettuce, Parmesan cheese, and croutons.


The Sesame Chicken skillet was delicious! As the instructions promised, it only took me about 10 minutes to prepare. There is a perfect amount of vegetables, chicken, and sauce that all mix together for a great flavor. My only small quibble is that I felt as thought there could be more rice. I used what I thought was a normal serving of rice for one person and ended up using about 2/3 of the rice.


Yum! Kroger Skillet Meals – Sesame Chicken with Brown Rice.

Overall, I was pleased with the skillet meal and salad. I cannot yet speak on the garlic bread, but I am sure I will be as happy with that as I am with most Kroger brand products that I have tried thanks to BzzAgent! I look forward to sharing my money-off coupons with friends and family (and maaaaybe keeping one or two for myself!).

Note: I received coupons for free Kroger products from BzzAgent in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own. 

Books for October


Good lord! Look at that giant pile of books I need to read! That is a solid mixture of ARCs received from publishers, books won from Goodreads giveaways, and a few that I purchased.

Most of them will have to wait, though. It’s October, which means I am reading all spooky books this month! (We won’t count the fabulous middle-grade ARC I read a few days ago because I couldn’t help myself.)

My love of supernatural and horror novels is a bit strange, considering I don’t believe in ghosts, but I’ve been devouring them ever since my early days of reading. I went from R.L. Stine to Christopher Pike to Stephen King and John Saul. I always tended more towards ghost stories over zombies and the various creatures of the night, but I am reading a really enjoyable zombie novel at the moment that is making me consider reading more in that category.

So, what have I read so far? I technically started reading it in September, but I finished Sarah Pinborough’s Mayhem in October. It was an incredibly interesting twist on a Jack the Ripper-esque novel.


(That does not look like the cover of the copy I had, but I don’t know whether that was to do with the fact that mine was an ARC or if there is a difference between the US and the UK version.) Click here to visit the Goodreads page for Mayhem.

I am currently reading Jamie McGuire’s Red Hill. I won this from the Goodreads giveaways. It is a zombie novel focusing on three different sets of characters that end up in the same place and have to survive a zombie apocalypse. It is probably a fairly standard zombie novel, but I am really enjoying the characters. Click here to visit the Goodreads page for Red Hill.


I have two other books that I plan on reading during October. One is Diane Setterfield’s Bellman & Black (Goodreads page here – there is currently a giveaway for this book ending 18 October) and Susan Hill’s Dolly (Goodreads page here). The first is an ARC I received, and the second is an autographed copy that I purchased at Hatchards when I was in London last December. Both look very interesting and have lovely covers!

Bellman and Black

As long as school doesn’t end up kicking my butt, I do hope to read more than these four books. I don’t have any other titles lined up, so I’d love any recommendations! Anything spooky, macabre, supernatural, or just plain creepy is welcome!

REVIEW: Slimed! An Oral History of Nickelodeon’s Golden Age by Mathew Klickstein


I was not aware that this book even existed until several weeks ago. There was a giveaway on Goodreads, and just seeing the cover sent me right back to my childhood. To my extreme disappointment, I did not win a copy. I knew I needed this book in my life, so I contacted the publisher explaining that I worked in a library, had a blog, was an active Goodreads user, and would love an opportunity to read and review an advanced copy of this book. I went to work a few Fridays ago to find that I had received Slimed! An Oral History of Nickelodeon’s Golden Age. Words cannot describe how excited I was! I managed to not start reading it while I was on the clock (though it was a struggle).

To begin, I should say that I believe I am the target audience for this book. My review could probably be considered biased because my positive reaction to the book has to do with the pure nostalgia factor along with enjoying the actual content.

Me circa 1997 with the always brilliant Kenan Thompson. Sixteen years later, and this still holds up as one of my favorite celebrity encounters ever.

Me circa 1997 with the always brilliant Kenan Thompson. Sixteen years later, and this still holds up as one of my favorite celebrity encounters ever.

The book has seven sections. Each section begins with a general theme and question (for example, the first section is called The Tween and poses the question, “What was it like to grow up on Nickelodeon?”). Instead of a normal narrative, this part of the book is derived entirely from interviews with Nickelodeon people. It was a set-up that initially took a bit of getting used to, but once I realized that I would be getting the whole story from Nickelodeon people with no input from the author I began to enjoy reading the words of the people who knew it best.

There are a lot of people involved in this book. Many names I recognized immediately, but many I did not. There is a helpful “Cast of Characters” in the book, but it is near the very end. In my copy, it begins on page 263. You can figure out who they are with context clues, but I suggest reading up on the cast of characters if you want to know who is who before beginning.

I loved all of the little details that this book provided. It was interesting to see who was well-loved and who was considered a diva. The author often artfully arranged the interview clips so one actress was swearing up and down that she was not a bitch, only to have the two or three interview snippets after hers talk about how difficult she was.

There were all sorts of fun anecdotes in this book. Stories about adventurous car rides, disasters on set, sneaking things into the cartoons that were originally shot down for being too adult, and more. There was also a section dealing with challenges on the sets, including the firing of Ren and Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi. It was fascinating to see all of the points of view regarding that particular issue. I went in to that chapter with certain opinions about the whole debacle and left it with a new perspective. Behind the scenes drama is always interesting to me, and this was no different. I also loved hearing about the fashion, music, and sets. Every time they mentioned a theme song, I went off to YouTube to listen to it even though most of them I still know by heart.

The one section that left me with mixed feelings was the one on diversity. It posed the question, “Why were so many of the people on Nickelodeon white?” That is a fair enough question, and it is important to have a discussion about it. I am glad that they acknowledged that early Nickelodeon was very white, but I felt like some of the people interviewed spent a bit too much time justifying it. Clarissa Explains it All was set in the Midwest so of course it was white, we were marketing our shows towards the people with cable who were usually white, we thought we were being diverse, et cetera. Also, while I feel it is crucial to have these conversations so that maybe in the future it won’t even be a problem, I think it was almost a bit dismissive to not recognize the shows that were better about the diversity issue (All That and Kenan and Kel weren’t mentioned in the section, for example). I am glad that this section was included in the book, though. Like I said, it is important now to look back and concede that the network was too white and hopefully continue to work and change that.

Overall? This book was a great experience for me. Everything about it, from the interesting facts and stories to the tiny bits of slime going down the side of the right pages of the book, was brilliant. It brought back some really fun memories of my childhood and the decade-plus I spent watching Nickelodeon. As I was reading, I was reliving the dog days of summer spent at the local rec center watching Nick in the Afternoon with Stick Stickly (alright, nostalgic Nick fans, sing along with me! “Write to me/Stick Stickly/PO Box 963/New York City/New York State/10108!”). This book isn’t for everyone; I believe you will not find much of interest unless you are a fan of behind the scenes information and Nickelodeon’s “Golden Age.”

To end, I am going to post my very favorite Hey Arnold! episode. It was interesting enough as a pre-teen, but it is really striking and poignant watching it again as an adult. Hooray for nostalgia!